i can’t stop thinking about death. it’s not normal.
today is mother’s day. i think it is the last day i will ever see my grandma alive, but i can’t be sure of course. i just have a feeling that she’s going to die soon.
i think about my late friend, and i want to die so i can be with her. i’m not scared anymore and i know i have to wait to die; but i don’t really want to wait. i know that i’m supposed to die in a car crash with my two best friends when we are 26 years old, so that’s not too far away, i guess.
my mom was concerned about me being by myself at my house during a recent tornado. she was scared it would hit me and i would die. i said it was okay, because then i’d be with shelley again. i told her not to worry, because i know how i die, and it’s definitely not because of a natural disaster.
i imagine people dying a lot. i imagine shelley’s dead face because i never got to see it. sometimes it’s scary to picture. i mean, the image of her with her mouth open and blank, hazy eyes half closed is horrifying to me. that’s a constant photograph-like thought that i imagine. i don’t even know how she looked when they found her, so sometimes it’s a peaceful face. but, mostly, it’s horrid.
i keep imagining getting into a car crash with my mom right now. we’re currently in the car, and she is driving us home from a vacation we took to branson, missouri. i just think about how awful it would be if we crashed and she were to die and i were to live. or vice versa. i don’t know if she or i could take that. i mean, i definitely wouldn’t make it if she died. she can’t know that, though. that’s too much pressure for a person to handle.
i don’t know what happens after this life, but i feel ready to find out. i don’t fit in anywhere, not even with the outcasts. i don’t feel important anywhere. most people that i call my friends are not actually friends with me, they probably tell people i am an acquaintance. a crazy one, at that. i am not as important or vital to anyone as they are to me.
i don’t know what’s wrong with me.
so, yes, i hope i die soon. i won’t do it to myself but, i can have hope that something will happen to me. i am truly sorry for being ungrateful, but i don’t belong here.
i just hope this next life will be gentle to me.